The Tale of Vampire Town: A Recap from a Traumatized '90's Child

As a child I had a fairly regimented routine. I would go to school and then come home to watch whatever was on Nickelodeon until I had to start homework. Sometimes Hey! Arnold or maybe Rugrats (before the tragic mindfuckery that was All Grown Up! started, mind you) would be on.

But sometimes I wasn't so lucky. No, sometimes Are You Afraid of the Dark? would come on. I could not imagine why anyone would find this terrifying show about things that went bump in the night entertaining. But just because the show scared the bejesus out of me did not deter me from my couch potato tendencies. So what if I was be scared, I wasn't about to start my homework at 4:30.

This weekend I found this very series that plagued me during my younger and more vulnerable years. I posted a link to this review's subject to my Facebook wall, and ELLN was so kind as to share in our former terror. She reviewed the episode that had particularly scared her and I will now follow suit, except that this one scares me for very different reasons.

So without further ado, submitted for the approval of apolloxdaphne and its followers, I call this review "The Tale of the Vampire Town: A Recap from a Traumatized '90's Child."

The infamous opening credits are, arguably, the scariest aspect of the show. Cast in midnight blue the viewer gets such visual scares as a boat rocking all by itself on a lonely lake, a swing swinging with no one on it, the proverbial evil clown doll, and, finally, a hand lights a match to reveal the title of the show: Are You Afraid of the Dark? Music that you would most likely hear on a Halloween CD whilst trick-or-treating with friends plays in the background.

There is an establishing shot of a campfire and we once again are with the Midnight Society.

There is some clunky exposition about some kid in the Society who may not be able to tell the story of the night because he was in a fight at school. But, alas, the delinquent shows up. He is of African American descent and he expresses his disdain for the fact that whatever happens, he is the one who gets some trouble. I am not going to join the YouTube commentators about the racial subtext surrounding this introduction.

The story teller introduces the story by talking about people not liking things that are not normal. He calls the story: The Tale of Vampire Town. Creepy music plays as the Midnight Society fades out.

Thunder, lightening, and wind, oh my! We get a dark and stormy night with a fat man entering a dark and foreboding building. In AYAOTD world this means he's a goner. A phone is ringing and he answers, "Wisteria Funeral Home..." Oh, a funeral home. So far so good. He tells the caller that he was just going out to get the milk.

Instead of going to a nice crowded grocery store, though, he goes into the scary morgue. He opens a coffin to see that it once held someone in it, but zoinks, they're gone. He takes a nice survey of the morgue. A couple of bodies under sheets, nothing special there.

A flash of lightening and finally something terrifying happens. A body that was in the background rises up from its little corner and starts to walk over.

This guy is about to find out that there are worse things than being over fifty and acting in Are You Afraid of the Dark? He's too busy looking for his common sense on the floor to notice a vampire walking toward him.

The vampire's hand gives him what looks to be the Vulcan Nerve Pinch and that puts him out of commission.

Then the vamp sees the cross staring up at him. The vampire screams and runs away, cape flowing in the breeze.

Trippy transition music plays and a voice that you hear in every horror movie tells us that he is arriving in Wisteria, the fabled vampire town. Gothic ye olde handwriting reflects the narration. The voice, clearly that of a deranged vampire hunter from Transylvania, tells us that he is hunting for the vampire known as Dreyfus. Apparently Dracula ain't got nothin' on Dreyfus, because Dreyfus is THE SCARIEST MOST EVIL VAMPIRE EVA!!!! and could kick Dracula's pale scrawny ass in two seconds. The voice vows to meet this vampire, face to face.

The camera pans and we see a boy, who could be the long lost third Corey, clad all in black with dark sunglasses and a ruby broach. "Dad, take it easy," he says in a petulant pubescent voice.

Dreyfus, wherever he is, has got to be shaking in his cape. Corey then amends his common voice by affecting a melodramatic tone with a, "Father, please take care."

His parents, who are actually somewhat tolerable, make fun of their son's obvious hard-on for vampires.

"You know that I only eat red meat," Corey the Vampire Slayer simpers.

His dad further makes fun of him talking about how peanut butter must stick to the fangs.

"If I am going to hunt vampires then I have to think like a vampire and I don't think they eat peanut butter." This kid officially makes it on my list of Kid Characters On TV I Would Like to Murder; he's buried somewhere between Dora the Explorer and Sheen Estavez (of Jimmy Neutron fame). The kid then picks up a magazine with a picture of prevamped Dreyfus on the cover. And you thought I was kidding about the hard-on?

They reach Wisteria, much to the glee of the wee little slayer. His dad is not so thrilled. He has field seats to a sporting event.

His mother sticks up for the little twat, whose name is apparently Adder. Adder? The kid is named after a reptile? At least it drips with wannabe slayer, even if his parents appear to have been suffering a mild case of Downs Syndrome whilst naming their child.

The parents go in the inn and the dad makes a comment about the fact that it is dark. Out of nowhere the innkeeper tells him that sunlight damages antiques. Also sunlight has also been known to damage VAMPIRES.

The innkeeper shows them to their room, and then walks down the stairs and is caught by surprise. Adder is sitting by the stairs with an eager expression. Adder says that he wants to see the catacombs. Key up the Symphony of Trepidation as the innkeeper tries to tell him that they have been closed for years.

Adder has a hissy fit and then says to the innkeeper that he knows that there is an entrance of the catacombs to the basement. He says it like he is blackmailing the innkeeper, but obviously this isn't a big secret if Adder knows about it.

Then Adder notices a door in the background and asks if that is the entryway to the closed catacombs. I wonder if the "No Entry" sign to a level below ground helped him figure it out. The innkeeper asks why Adder is so interested and Adder says, "Let's just say that I have an appointment with destiny."

Adder, meanwhile, plans to find Dreyfus tonight, if He exists.

We cut to a full moon, though I'm pretty sure that's WEREWOLF lore. Adder is downstairs equipped with a flashlight and is making his way to the catacombs. He opens the UNLOCKED door to the catacombs. Yep, this inn doesn't even lock the doors to scary catacombs that house vampires. Stanley and Carl peek out from behind a curtain.

Adder gets down to the catacombs. And blah, blah, blah, corpses and coffins. Scary Latin/Gregorian Chant church music playing. But Stanley and Carl are hot in pursuit, brandishing stakes.

Adder finally comes upon Dreyfus' coffin. He starts taking pictures and giddily explains about how he is going to be famous. Stanley and Carl ambush him. Adder tries to explain that he isn't a vampire.

Then Adder makes the stupidest move in wannabe demon chasing history. HE PULLS DREYFUS'S WOODEN STAKE FROM OUT OF THE COFFIN. For someone who reads about slaying and hunting, he broke rule numero uno, which is DON'T WAKE THE SLEEPING VAMPIRES. Soon we see Dreyfus' coffin show some signs of life.

With Dreyfus awake, Adder realizes that Vampire Hunting is not all that it is cracked up to be, and takes flight.

SUDDENLY, Dreyfus materializes out of nowhere. Did Stephenie Meyer write this episode? Because a whole lot of vampire lore is being violated here.

Dreyfus is about to eat Carl, when Adder's weirdness and "dedication" finally come in handy. He uses some raven's blood to lure Dreyfus away, and then then opens the shades to reveal a very bright sun, which has magically appeared since it was pitch black when Adder left for the catacombs, which in episode time was probably like a half hour for them.

But then we get treated to some horrendous '90's special effects of a computer-generated Dreyfus getting disintegrated by the sun into a pile of ash.

Carl is super grateful to Adder. They have a nice little vindication where Carl warns him that vampires are no joke. Except when they die like that, that was pretty hilarious. Youtube it. (It's really only rivaled by this in my mind)

Adder's parents are, understandably, surprised to see a nice and normal Adder. Gone are the eyeliner and ruby earring. Adder suggests going to the Jets game. His parents are happy.

But Stanley is not so happy. Adder gives him some blood for protection against vampires, and...most people know what's coming, even if you are blind and deaf I still maintain your guessing odds are pretty good. Yep, Stanley is a vampire.

He bites Adder and that's it. Fade to the unimportant Midnight Society as they talk about how "good" the story is. I would protest, but my keyboard has been abused enough already.

I declare this recap closed.

-acerbec

Kenneth Oppel's STARCLIMBER

You have a guilty pleasure. Admit it. Maybe you take an hour out of each week to curl up and watch Dancing with the Stars, with only your bowl of popcorn as a witness. Maybe, hidden in the depths of your iPod full of Cannibal Corpse and Killswitch Engage, you have the complete discography of Britney Spears. Or maybe you love Twilight.

Personally, I die a little bit inside every time someone professes their undying love for Edward Cullen. But I will admit to understanding the fangirl mentality. Because I walked into the bookstore the other day and almost started crying. There, on a shelf in the back of the store, was a book that I didn't even know existed. There was only one copy, and, as it turns out, the book actually came out last fall. It was a novel by Kenneth Oppel called Starclimber, and was the sequel (well, second sequel) to a book I'd first read five years ago- Airborn. Airborn is, I suppose, my Twilight.

The books- Airborn, Skybreaker, Starclimber- are Steampunk-style novels set in an Edwardian alternate history where airships rule the skies and fantastic scientific discoveries await those with a sense of adventure and a little luck. They follow airship cabin boy Matt Cruse through a series of fantastic high-altitude adventures. It's swashbuckling romance in the style of Treasure Island. And yes, it's probably considered a children's book... but it's a well written one- something I can't say of Stephanie Meyer's novels- and between heavier novels, it's sometimes nice to read something fun and exciting. The characters are convincing and easy to relate to, and the dialogue is witty, in sharp contrast to the tepid and inane drivel that passes for conversation in other novels I've read recently.

These books are an appealing mix of the intrepid spirit of exploration and the effervescence of clinking champagne glasses, with just enough commentary on social classes and gender discrimination not to be obnoxious and just enough romance to not be sentimental. Personally, as somewhat of a fine literature snob, I found Airborn and its sequels to be thoroughly enjoyable reads.

AYAOTD:The Tale of the Dollmaker

Okay, only in Canada would anyone ever think to make a show that would legitimately scare kids' pants off. Are You Afraid of the Dark? ran in the 90's and continued into 2000, on Nickelodeon who co-produced it. It's a horror/fantasy show for kids. Who came up with that brilliant idea?

I must have been seven or eight when I first saw this episode, and it scarred me for life. I had dreams about being trapped in a dollhouse for years. Apparently I'm not alone, since it was a fascinating episode for others as well. So now I'm going to review "The Tale of the Dollmaker."

The episode begins with the The Midnight Society's weekly meeting, where a group of "teenagers" (they look more like 10-year-olds to me) meet to tell scary stories. One of the group members has a reputation for creepy stories, and having her doll with her, she begins one. We are then shown the story.

Melissa goes to visit her aunt and uncle, Peter and Sally, every summer because she's made friends with the girl next door Susan. Unfortunately, this past winter, Susan disappeared and her parents moved out of the house. When Melissa sneaks next door because she thinks she sees someone at the window, her aunt finds her in the attic and cautions her against returning to the house. That night, Melissa hears her aunt and uncle arguing about how much her aunt should tell Melissa, and Melissa overhears what Susan's mother told aunt Sally about Susan's disappearance- "it was the house that got her!"

Melissa, unperturbed, makes a second visit to the attic, where she finds a secret door and sees a strange-looking Susan wandering aimlessly; just as Melissa is about to step into Susan's world, however, her uncle grabs her and reveals to her that, had she set foot through the door, she would have actually fallen out of the attic window and to her death.

Melissa makes a third trip, tying a ball of twine to the door so that as she wanders the house, she won't get lost. She realizes that she is now in the dollhouse, and the door disappears and she is trapped. Susan can't do squat since her body is falling apart:



Eventually, with the help of Susan's cryptic hints, Melissa figures out an ingenuous way for them to safely escape the attic's clutches and return to the real world. Peter burns the dollhouse, and everyone is happy. We are left with the Midnight Society packing up like good little children to go home for bed, with lingering doubts as to what the attic's door leads to now that the dollhouse is gone.

I'm not going to bother naming the actors since the acting is campy at best-Melissa is particularly grating, and is immediately portrayed as a spoiled brat in an attempt at humor; she makes rude, snarky comments to her loving aunt and uncle right off the bat because everyone thinks super-snotty kids are hilarious right? FAIL.

Watching it now, it's obviously not that scary-but for little kids? Taking the idea of something familiar and fun, like a dollhouse, and turning it into a trap and a hellhole where your best friend's body is falling apart and you have a near-death/suicidal experience where a haunted house tries to lead you to jumping out a window-

...



You can watch the episode on youtube; it's all campy fun now, but perhaps for nostalgia's sake you'd enjoy it.

Also watch for the five-million shots of swings, ranging from tire swings to white swings to swing-like loveseats. Hitchcock anyone?

Mwahahaha have a wonderfully creepy day.

-elln

Chris Bohjalian's SKELETONS AT THE FEAST

I was drawn to the book by its striking cover, the fuzzy photograph of a woman in a '40's dress standing in a nostalgia-ridden corn or wheat field-the blurriness makes it hard to tell which. Her scarf is blowing in the wind, and she runs a hand through her hair in a carefree gesture. She is the personification of a fondly remembered youth, and this romanticism is a departure from the normally stark Bohjalian.

The style of the book is where Bohjalian's stark writing comes into play; it's Hemingway-esque in its simplicity. This directness masks a deeper psychological profundity as the characters in Skeletons wrestle with all kinds of moral ambiguity as they cross the country in a desperate attempt at survival.

The novel is based on a real war-time diary. The setting is 1945, and it is clear that the Germans are losing WWII. The aristocratic Emmerich family, torn in their loyalties, will now make a dash for Allied lines. There is Rolf, who has only ever half-supported Hitler, and his wife, known affectionately as Mutti, who has worshipped Hitler since his election without his atrocities during the war having been made public. Anna, one of the story's main protagonists, is a conflicted and intelligent young woman torn between pride in her country and a growing horror at what is slowly coming to light about her country's actions in the war-especially toward Jews. Her twin brother, Helmut, is taken along with her father into the depleting Nazi ranks, where her elder brother Werner is already fighting, close to the beginning of the story. The other characters in their travelling band include Anna's younger brother Theo, and her lover Scottish POW Callum. Soon Nazi officer Manfred joins their party, but his real name is Uri Singer and he is hiding amongst the ranks of the very army which is singularly annihilating his people,the Jews, whilst killing any S.S. officer he can along the way.

Running parallel to all of this is the story of Cecile, a concentration camp Jew surviving by her own mettle and indomitable spirit.

The book's blunt-edged prose grounds this sweeping romance in realism as Bohjalian brings us to the heart of a bloody and brutal conflict in which death happens at the snap of two fingers, and not one character can do a single thing about it. The author isn't afraid to rip out our hearts, just as he isn't afraid to deliver us to happiness, and the ending to this epic struggle is bittersweet. The book excels on more than a stylistic and story-telling level; the characters are complex and have many of their own problems to deal with. In light of Uri's plight and the supposed murder of his entire family, he in turn murders Nazi soldiers remorselessly, some of whom are unaware of exactly what's been going on in these "camps." The reader wants to sympathize with the strong, persistent Mutti who continually puts her family first, but it becomes difficult to do so when her denial of Hitler's atrocities grows larger and larger in scope. Anna is the most conflicted character-she is a young person just emerged from her cocoon, and is beginning to form opinions about the world. When she sees what the leader of her country has done to concentration camp victims, she feels guilty and torn to call herself a German-yet she doesn't know what she can do to atone for living in ignorance.

With unrelenting precision, Bohjalian has sledge-hammered our emotions with the perfect combination of adventure, romance, and realism.

-elln

Animal Collective: Merriweather Post Pavillion

Animal Collective has always been a study in contrasts. On one hand, there is Noah Lennox, alias Panda Bear, whose similarities to Brian Wilson go past his uncanny vocal impression; he has the same knack for sweet pop and gorgeous simplicity as his forbearer. On the other, there is the brittle, spastic, and astonishingly creative David Pornter, alias Avey Tare, a leaner and much more insecure songwriter than his big fuzzy partner.

As a result, their catalogue is riddled with explosions of hyperactive glee juxtaposed with languid excess, the intentionally bizarre mixed with the amiable and the mundane. They were always melodic, but never accessible. They were always rhythmic, but never danceable.

But on “Merriweather Post Pavilion,” their ninth LP, Animal Collective is a lot less animal and a lot more collective. There is no tortured yowling, no twelve-minute chord-and-a-half hibernations, no nonsensical lyrics or tribal percussion. Instead, there is permeating synthesis between this creative odd couple. Their union has rendered the wild clutter that defined their previous albums unnecessary. “Merriweather” has been melted down to the point where it is defined not by its sounds, but by its songs.

And what songs they are. With Avey’s yelping and Panda’s droning eliminated, this is a sparkling pop album. Everything that Animal Collective has done so well in the past has been shaped and simplified, leaving the end product textured and joyous; the style remains distinct but the tension among the band and the listener has evaporated. The band has also seems to have ended up somewhere closer Panda’s side of the equation, with a several songs sounding like modern remixes of old sixties pop groups. The reverb-soaked “Also Frightened” has all the melodic twists, hazy wordless harmonies and vaguely haunting lyrics (“No one should call you a dreamer”) of The Beatles circa “Magical Mystery Tour,” complete with a slight hint of Indian flavor. “Bluish” has all the sleepy sugar of a slow Beach Boys outtake—check out the hint of Carl Wilson in Avey Tare’s impressively restrained lead vocal—despite its “When you claw me like a cat, I’m beaming” lyrical turn. On some of these songs, Animal Collective outdoes their predecessors completely; “Guys Eyes,” one of the best songs on the album, has a phenomenal vocal arrangement that’s executed with such style that the Beach Boys could only dream of pulling off.

But “Merriweather” hits its true peaks when Animal Collective uses their synergy and newfound contentment to just let go. The absolute best songs on the album feature a deep, intoxicating beat that is right at home even on the modern radio. Avey’s “Summertime Clothes,” his best song on the album, features handclaps, jubilant sliding vocals, thumping bass drums and an African-style bridge, all combined with remarkable ease and simplicity. The chorus of “I want to walk around with you” becomes something irresistible. The album’s closer, Panda’s superb Euro-Afro-techno-who-cares rave “Brother Sport,” has enough hooks to snag even the biggest dance floor deadweight (certainly enough of them are already Animal Collective fans).

And then there is “My Girls.” Already hailed by some as one of the best songs of the millennium, “My Girls” is an idyllic portrait of the American family, with Panda Bear singing with his trademark unpretentious poetry about his need to provide for his wife and daughter: “I don’t mean/ to seem like I care about material things,/like my social status/I just want/four walls and adobe slabs for my girls.” Its shimmery introduction transitions into its simple melody, then builds as Avey starts singing counter to Panda, then doubles the tempo, then launches into a blissful call-and-response bridge showered with stunning sun-drenched harmonies that Panda used so effectively on his 2007 solo effort Person Pitch. The hook that carries the song out is as blissful and simple as anything Animal Collective has written, and it deserves to be an instant classic. When Animal Collective’s songwriters show they are capable of writing like this, their comparative missteps—the tepid “No More Runnin’” and the mundane, appropriately titled “Daily Routine”—are immaterial. They’ve gotten too good to let those mistakes define them anymore.

With Merriweather Post Pavilion charting #3 on the top-selling albums on iTunes, Animal Collective has a genuine hit on their hands. And I want more, no matter how strange it is. As Avey Tare puts it in “Lion in a Coma,” “This wilderness needs to get out of my clothes and get into my bedroom!” Whatever he's talking about, he's right.

-Radelby