Hamlet 2

There's nothing out there at this moment that parallels the absolute ridiculousness of Hamlet 2 (except maybe Animal House, a landmark work of comedic genius). It's so over-the-top in such an understated way that many of the giggles come from being discomfited and stunned by the outrageously embarrassing, ludicrous, hammy, and offensive behavior of the main character, Dana Marschz, played by Steve Coogan.

Dana is a failed TV-commercial-actor-turned-drama-teacher in the city "where dreams go to die" of Tucson, Arizona. He only stages play adaptations of popular Hollywood movies, however, and he only has two students, the overtly gay Rand (Skylar Astin) who is in denial abous his sexuality, and the bright and bubbly Epiphany (Phoebe Strole) who "gets nervous around ethnics." When the school district cuts all electives but drama, all the "ethnics" Epiphany is so nervous about come to drama, and the movie goes in the typical direction of a teacher having to show love and compassion to "ghetto" kids to get them away from drugs/crime/pregnancy/etc.

And yet the movie itself is poking fun at movies like Freedom Writers and less esteemed movies of its ilk. Dana proves to be the worst teacher ever, cursing like a sailor at his class to make them listen to him and then demonstrating his blood-curdlingly awful acting skills. Epiphany's "understanding" of her "ethnic" classmates is so overdone that she begins to act like a poverty-ridden ghetto teenager, sprinkling words like "homie" and "vato" throughout her vocabulary in a hammed-up attempt at a Mexican accent, though she is clearly from a white upper-middle class family. In fact, many of the Mexican-American kids are not poor; when the star of the show Octavio declares that his parents have objections to the show, Dana marches off to have a poignant heart-to-heart with Octavio's (Joseph Julian Soria) ignorant, poor Mexican parents.

In an especially brilliant scene, Dana begins the conversation with, "You can't let your ethnic narrow-mindedness stop your son from thriving in our culture." Once you get over the shock and horror of this line, you can begin to appreciate what happens next.
Octavio's father then goes on to say in impeccable English that he has published nine novels and has a PhD in literature; Octavio's mother is a painter with an exhibit at the Guggenheim. Octavio has a 3.9 GPA and is going to Brown.
Dana then begs for help for his own work, especially the original play he has written and his drama class performing.

Oh, wait, did I not get to the play yet? It's a sequel to Hamlet, except it's really just Hamlet rewritten with a time machine so that Hamlet can go back in time to save Gertrude and Ophelia (with the help of, who else?, Jesus).

In fact, Dana's wife Brie (Catherine Keener) reads the opening lines for us in the first draft of his original work:
"'The time machine door opens revealing Hamlet, Gertrude, Palonius, and Hilary Clinton having what appears to be group sex,'" to which Dana responds,"That's about my troubled relationship with my father."

Trouble ensues, however, when the principal of the school reads the play and deems it too pornographic and offensive to perform. But luck is on Dana's side! Though his wife is leaving him for their pathologically boring (but fertile-which Dana is not) boarder, Gary (David Arquette), one of Dana's junkie students has a friend whose meth lab just burned down, and it turns out it's the perfect place to host the show.

Wirework is provided by a backyard start-up business, two guys who have no idea what they're doing and smash mute student Yolanda into a wall during the first trial. But by the time of the show, the wirework is good enough for Laertes and Hamlet's mid-air light saber battle to be a hit.

Meanwhile, Dana is becoming a local celebrity, and when people try to censor his work Ultimate Bitch-Lawyer Cricket Feldstein (Amy Poehler) comes to the rescue to take this civil liberties case to the national level.

The play starts with an introspective musical number, complete with blue lighting and pensive acting, entitled, "Raped in the Face." Laertes is featured in a number of scenes looking decidedly gay, first in a cowboy outfit and then as a 50's greaser during the "Rock Me Sexy Jesus" number.

If you're going to watch for anything, at least watch for the "Rock Me Sexy Jesus" musical highlight.





Meanwhile, there's rioting outside, and when Octavio points out that it's intermission, Dana replies, "We can't have intermission now, the Fire Department's trying to evacuate the building."

Eventually, Dana ends up a world-renowned director and his play goes on broadway with the original cast.

It's a delightfully horrifying film for all the right reasons-it appears to take itself seriously and the situations are presented so pragmatically by Dana that it takes you a moment to stop and think about the layers of satire and not-very-plausible things going on; and when you finally do realize the utter ridiculousness of it all, your mouth will be hanging in delicious shock all the way to the floor.

-elln

Nicole Galland's THE FOOL'S TALE

Apparently Nicole Galland is "an award-winning screenwriter" so I'm assuming she writes her screenplays under a pseudonym because I've looked for her everywhere.

Anyway, The Fool's Tale is her first novel; I picked it up on Martha's Vineyard, where she's a native, a couple years ago when I was feeling bored. I didn't expect to be impressed with it.

...and then I stayed up until three in the morning to finish the damn thing. It's a hefty size, too, an intimidating 500+ page book with small font. The writing manages to be descriptive and a bit lengthy, but still exciting. Galland stresses in an afterward that while some characters and events are based in history, she has taken many liberties with people and places and that this is not a historically accurate novel.

The story revolves around a small Welsh kingdom in the 1100's and the deadly politics involved in keeping it afloat. Maelgwyn ap Cadwallon, nicknamed Noble, is the king of the small but relatively secure Maelienydd. His best friend is an orphan named Gwirion, who was raised beside him and has a quick wit and endless nose for trouble. Gwirion is the court's fool and harpist, and gets away with murder because the king will never punish him; Gwirion's pranks and tomfoolery make him the court's darling, and the king confides his darkest secrets in Gwirion, who saved the king's life when they were children.

Then, in an attempt to secure one of his borders, Noble marries Isabel Mortimer. Isabel proves to be intelligent, cold, and uninterested in a Welsh lifestyle, a lifestyle she considers to be distatseful and primitive. Thus ensues the tortorous relationship Isabel shares with her new husband; sometimes they are able to get along, and she enjoys his sexual attentions; however he does not love her, she does not love him, and they often argue about her status or his various affairs. Isabel and Gwirion also abhor each other, and compete for the king's attention. Isabel doesn't feel any more at home after the king makes it quite clear that Isabel will never be as important as Gwirion, the fool, is.

Slowly, a change comes about as Isabel and Gwirion make a truce after months of discord. Isabel begins to embrace the Welsh lifestyle, and grudgingly earns the admiration and love of her people. However, she is unable to produce a child, and after a poisoning causes her to miscarry her first child, she is afraid she is barren. As her uncle continually betrays Noble, Noble begins to find that his marriage to Isabel was useless. As Isabel is becoming accustomed to her life as Queen, Noble faces increasing problems with his kingdom; the English on one border continually pose a threat, and another Welsh lord by the name of Llewelyn is a rising star in Wales. We are treated to some devious political thinking and machinations. While Isabel is coming out of her shell, Noble is sinking deeper and deeper into a twisted immorality which he justifies with his charge of preservation of his kingdom.

Thus it is that, when Noble is away fighting a war, Llewelyn's men come to claim the castle, and Gwirion and Isabel are locked up together. They realize that after months of fighting, they are no longer enemies--they have a deep bond in that both are dependent on the king's whim, and are utterly powerless. For Isabel, the law and society bind her to Noble; Gwirion knows that if he tried to leave Noble, he would be hunted to the ends of the earth. When Gwirion finally sees Isabel without her wimple, or head covering, he's shocked at how beautiful she is. Their illicit affair, one of not just lust but of true intimacy, something neither has known, begins.

Galland weaves these three characters so tightly together, and creates the most awkward and horrifying experiences and close calls for two lovers trying to hide their affair, that the circumstances are literally squirm-worthy. Despite the dense text, each page is suspense-ridden as we race towards an unknown conclusion. The affair itself comes with a wealth of complications; while Gwirion and Isabel love each other truly and deeply, their obligations to Noble, who is sinking further and further into depression as he watches his kingdom fall, leave them guilt-ridden. Gwirion being loved for himself, truly himself, brings about his maturation as he gropes for the one thing Noble's never given him- dignity. Noble has never allowed Gwirion to fall in love, because Noble will not allow a woman to come between them. Noble himself is half-insane by the end of the novel, revealing that he only allowed the affair to continue because he wanted to observe two of the most honest people he knows trying to be dishonest.

The ending of the novel is shocking, but I won't reveal more than that. Noble is truly a beastly creation, yet he deserves some sympathy for his inability to love romantically, and for his ability to love his one true friend only in a demented way. No one is blameless at the novel's close, and yet each character is profoundly understandable, sympathetic, and full of surprises. That is the true triumph of Galland's novel; how intewoven the fates' of these three fully-fleshed characters are, and the powerful things she chooses to do with them.

-elln

Elln's Top Ten Songs for March '09

So since I buy music like an addict, I decided to do my top ten of every month, which will probably be an eclectic compilation of everything indie, alternative, electronic, etc. The picture I choose will be of my favorite cover of all the selections.


1. "How Soon Is Now?"/The Smiths: whoa, poetry much? I can understand now why they were so revolutionary. The Smiths took melancholic, poetic, and deep and meaningful lyrics and made them accessible and (marginally) commercial and oddly satisfying. Honestly, they're so famous I feel stupid saying anything else.

2. "Float On"/Modest Mouse: Interestingly, guitarist Marr of the Smiths guested We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank, which probably explains the best part of the song: the freakin' guitar. Just listen to that thing, it's so addictive and laid-back yet amazing at the same time. Coupled with the lyrics and unmistakable vocals by Isaac Brock, it's one of the catchiest things I've heard all year. Seriously, I don't know why I was so resistant to Modest Mouse for so long.

3. "We Can No Longer Cheat You"/The Cribs: Wait, Johnny Marr's in The Cribs, too? He's everywhere, he's like God, I swear I didn't know Marr was clairvoyant and all-powerful until I started this review.

Okay, it's now time to acknowledge Johnny Marr's Omnipotence.








Obviously my personal preference becomes obvious when I pick three random bands and they all have a guitarist in common. Anyway, onto the song.

50% of the time, The Cribs sound like Franz Ferdinand-wannabes, and the other 50% they strike it rich with a nice sound that lands between lush and tight garage rock. They have respectable, catchy tunes without being meaningless (Franz) or deep and pretentiously apathetic (The Strokes). I particularly enjoy the tight harmonies of the chorus, and the often-trod but still compelling subject matter. Really, just a good solid melody.



4. "Do the Right Thing"/The Dudes: What a heart-felt little gem; I must say I hadn't heard of the The Dudes before now so I don't have a wide frame of reference, but this is a smart piece of indie rock infused with pop sensibility. It really shines on the production end, and the lyrics are endearing and smart. Also gotta hand it to Dan Vacon for having a truly wonderful voice; you can hear him pushing himself, especially on the chorus, and yet there's no breaking and it sounds smooth as honey.

And how can you not love these purely slam opening lines?

my bedroom's worse than the Catholic Church, I let anyone in
and now my carnal sins have gotten to be so boring.
my heart's wide open, I sure was hoping you could close it down,
now it seems I'm finding out that loving you girl can be so frightening,
you strike me, like gas and lightning, love me, don't just spend the night,
you can count on me to do the right thing
You steal my nerve and you strike me
Love like lightning

5. "Northwestern Girls"/Say Hi: Well, after a disappointing name change, Say Hi to Your Mom has matured significantly since I listened to '06's Impeccable Blahs. That EP suffered from lyrical content (it was basically all very creepy songs about vampires), and I'm glad to say that if, at least not terribly sophisticated, "Northern Girls" is at least about a neutral and tolerable subject (that is, the female gender in reference to geographic positions, ala Beach Boys). It's catchy, low-key indie with appropriately wounded lyrics and a pounding drum and bassline; they're busy finding their sound, and making good progress along the way (I haven't had a chance to listen to Oohs & Ahhs yet). One thing they do need to learn is how to let the guitar rip; the last thirty seconds of the song have had such a buildup, and then they rely on percussion and bass and it doesn't do their vision justice, I can tell. I'm looking forward to how Say Hi (LAME name change) is going to mature.

6. "About to Walk"/Throw Me the Statue-Throw Me the Statue has certainly grabbed attention with Moonbeams; they're mainly impressive because of such a wide range of instruments and experimental sounds, put together into melodies that are both aesthetically pleasing and catchy. It's no wonder, then that they've opened for Cake, a band both plagued and renowned for a funkiness that never seems to evolve at all. Throw Me the Statue has already proved their worth beyond a band like Cake by demonstrating a creative versatility, poetic lyracism, and talent for mixed melodies.

Oh yeah, the song? I enjoy the ukulele-like sound that plays. I said everything else up ^ there

7. "No You Girls"/Franz Ferdinand: Yay, another solid effort from my favorite party-boy bisexual junkies! Franz Ferdinand just knows how to rock them melodies; if I ever hear any type of serious effort from them on the part of lyrics, I'll fall over in surprise, and I probably won't be impressed. The whole point of Franz is utter cockiness combined with a tinge of insecurity- and of course where would they be without their incessant party-worshipping?. It's the same buzzy guitars, the late nights where you forget yourself and then wake up and feel your youth sapping away and then go out to party again to forget that fact, and jarring and clever tempo-changes we've come to know and love. "No You Girls" is a seriously catchy effort from their newest album.

8. "Elevation"/Television: More early punk movement, except listening to this song is like listening to a more sophisticated, decommercialized version of the Eagles. Reminsicent of Echo & the Bunnymen, "Elevation" is a haunting effort in guitar line melody changes, and for the better. For all that the song seems to lack a pattern, it's less punk more rock as the guitars are skillfully layered on, and it's captivating. There's no shiny, spiffy production- this sound is raw and satisfying.

9. "Summer Romance"/The Redwalls: Guilty pleasure of the month, this song's simplicity reeled me in. I'm a sucker for well-done romantic confessions, and that's exactly what cutie-pie Logan Baren does as he yells out, "Darling, please don't let me say goodbye!"

Yes, they're shameless whores for '60's and '70's rock, but hey they started as a cover band of that exact time period (as British invasion specialists). Just because they're recycled material doesn't mean they're not good. I like recycling if it's done with some talent. Besides, I have a feeling that they're branching out slowly, slowly into their own territory.

10. "Confines of Gravity"/PlayRadioPlay!: Yup, another semi-guilty pleasure. But it's been a while since I've heard such a good drug song (and such an obvious one-jeez, it practically hammers you over the head), and in this case the analogy actually works and turns out to be sufficiently disorienting and powerful at the same time.

I wanna be an astronaut and get high
break the barriers of sound into the sky
Just wanna be free
from the confines of gravity

Daniel Hunter's voice walks the fine line between soothing and grating, but I think it comes out for the better, especially layered over his synth/electronic beats that are both inviting and clever. There's talent in this simplicity, and the basic message comes through unhindered and with clarity.


Well, that's it. Have a good month. And remember:

JOHNNY MARR IS WATCHING YOU

-elln

The Tale of Vampire Town: A Recap from a Traumatized '90's Child

As a child I had a fairly regimented routine. I would go to school and then come home to watch whatever was on Nickelodeon until I had to start homework. Sometimes Hey! Arnold or maybe Rugrats (before the tragic mindfuckery that was All Grown Up! started, mind you) would be on.

But sometimes I wasn't so lucky. No, sometimes Are You Afraid of the Dark? would come on. I could not imagine why anyone would find this terrifying show about things that went bump in the night entertaining. But just because the show scared the bejesus out of me did not deter me from my couch potato tendencies. So what if I was be scared, I wasn't about to start my homework at 4:30.

This weekend I found this very series that plagued me during my younger and more vulnerable years. I posted a link to this review's subject to my Facebook wall, and ELLN was so kind as to share in our former terror. She reviewed the episode that had particularly scared her and I will now follow suit, except that this one scares me for very different reasons.

So without further ado, submitted for the approval of apolloxdaphne and its followers, I call this review "The Tale of the Vampire Town: A Recap from a Traumatized '90's Child."

The infamous opening credits are, arguably, the scariest aspect of the show. Cast in midnight blue the viewer gets such visual scares as a boat rocking all by itself on a lonely lake, a swing swinging with no one on it, the proverbial evil clown doll, and, finally, a hand lights a match to reveal the title of the show: Are You Afraid of the Dark? Music that you would most likely hear on a Halloween CD whilst trick-or-treating with friends plays in the background.

There is an establishing shot of a campfire and we once again are with the Midnight Society.

There is some clunky exposition about some kid in the Society who may not be able to tell the story of the night because he was in a fight at school. But, alas, the delinquent shows up. He is of African American descent and he expresses his disdain for the fact that whatever happens, he is the one who gets some trouble. I am not going to join the YouTube commentators about the racial subtext surrounding this introduction.

The story teller introduces the story by talking about people not liking things that are not normal. He calls the story: The Tale of Vampire Town. Creepy music plays as the Midnight Society fades out.

Thunder, lightening, and wind, oh my! We get a dark and stormy night with a fat man entering a dark and foreboding building. In AYAOTD world this means he's a goner. A phone is ringing and he answers, "Wisteria Funeral Home..." Oh, a funeral home. So far so good. He tells the caller that he was just going out to get the milk.

Instead of going to a nice crowded grocery store, though, he goes into the scary morgue. He opens a coffin to see that it once held someone in it, but zoinks, they're gone. He takes a nice survey of the morgue. A couple of bodies under sheets, nothing special there.

A flash of lightening and finally something terrifying happens. A body that was in the background rises up from its little corner and starts to walk over.

This guy is about to find out that there are worse things than being over fifty and acting in Are You Afraid of the Dark? He's too busy looking for his common sense on the floor to notice a vampire walking toward him.

The vampire's hand gives him what looks to be the Vulcan Nerve Pinch and that puts him out of commission.

Then the vamp sees the cross staring up at him. The vampire screams and runs away, cape flowing in the breeze.

Trippy transition music plays and a voice that you hear in every horror movie tells us that he is arriving in Wisteria, the fabled vampire town. Gothic ye olde handwriting reflects the narration. The voice, clearly that of a deranged vampire hunter from Transylvania, tells us that he is hunting for the vampire known as Dreyfus. Apparently Dracula ain't got nothin' on Dreyfus, because Dreyfus is THE SCARIEST MOST EVIL VAMPIRE EVA!!!! and could kick Dracula's pale scrawny ass in two seconds. The voice vows to meet this vampire, face to face.

The camera pans and we see a boy, who could be the long lost third Corey, clad all in black with dark sunglasses and a ruby broach. "Dad, take it easy," he says in a petulant pubescent voice.

Dreyfus, wherever he is, has got to be shaking in his cape. Corey then amends his common voice by affecting a melodramatic tone with a, "Father, please take care."

His parents, who are actually somewhat tolerable, make fun of their son's obvious hard-on for vampires.

"You know that I only eat red meat," Corey the Vampire Slayer simpers.

His dad further makes fun of him talking about how peanut butter must stick to the fangs.

"If I am going to hunt vampires then I have to think like a vampire and I don't think they eat peanut butter." This kid officially makes it on my list of Kid Characters On TV I Would Like to Murder; he's buried somewhere between Dora the Explorer and Sheen Estavez (of Jimmy Neutron fame). The kid then picks up a magazine with a picture of prevamped Dreyfus on the cover. And you thought I was kidding about the hard-on?

They reach Wisteria, much to the glee of the wee little slayer. His dad is not so thrilled. He has field seats to a sporting event.

His mother sticks up for the little twat, whose name is apparently Adder. Adder? The kid is named after a reptile? At least it drips with wannabe slayer, even if his parents appear to have been suffering a mild case of Downs Syndrome whilst naming their child.

The parents go in the inn and the dad makes a comment about the fact that it is dark. Out of nowhere the innkeeper tells him that sunlight damages antiques. Also sunlight has also been known to damage VAMPIRES.

The innkeeper shows them to their room, and then walks down the stairs and is caught by surprise. Adder is sitting by the stairs with an eager expression. Adder says that he wants to see the catacombs. Key up the Symphony of Trepidation as the innkeeper tries to tell him that they have been closed for years.

Adder has a hissy fit and then says to the innkeeper that he knows that there is an entrance of the catacombs to the basement. He says it like he is blackmailing the innkeeper, but obviously this isn't a big secret if Adder knows about it.

Then Adder notices a door in the background and asks if that is the entryway to the closed catacombs. I wonder if the "No Entry" sign to a level below ground helped him figure it out. The innkeeper asks why Adder is so interested and Adder says, "Let's just say that I have an appointment with destiny."

Adder, meanwhile, plans to find Dreyfus tonight, if He exists.

We cut to a full moon, though I'm pretty sure that's WEREWOLF lore. Adder is downstairs equipped with a flashlight and is making his way to the catacombs. He opens the UNLOCKED door to the catacombs. Yep, this inn doesn't even lock the doors to scary catacombs that house vampires. Stanley and Carl peek out from behind a curtain.

Adder gets down to the catacombs. And blah, blah, blah, corpses and coffins. Scary Latin/Gregorian Chant church music playing. But Stanley and Carl are hot in pursuit, brandishing stakes.

Adder finally comes upon Dreyfus' coffin. He starts taking pictures and giddily explains about how he is going to be famous. Stanley and Carl ambush him. Adder tries to explain that he isn't a vampire.

Then Adder makes the stupidest move in wannabe demon chasing history. HE PULLS DREYFUS'S WOODEN STAKE FROM OUT OF THE COFFIN. For someone who reads about slaying and hunting, he broke rule numero uno, which is DON'T WAKE THE SLEEPING VAMPIRES. Soon we see Dreyfus' coffin show some signs of life.

With Dreyfus awake, Adder realizes that Vampire Hunting is not all that it is cracked up to be, and takes flight.

SUDDENLY, Dreyfus materializes out of nowhere. Did Stephenie Meyer write this episode? Because a whole lot of vampire lore is being violated here.

Dreyfus is about to eat Carl, when Adder's weirdness and "dedication" finally come in handy. He uses some raven's blood to lure Dreyfus away, and then then opens the shades to reveal a very bright sun, which has magically appeared since it was pitch black when Adder left for the catacombs, which in episode time was probably like a half hour for them.

But then we get treated to some horrendous '90's special effects of a computer-generated Dreyfus getting disintegrated by the sun into a pile of ash.

Carl is super grateful to Adder. They have a nice little vindication where Carl warns him that vampires are no joke. Except when they die like that, that was pretty hilarious. Youtube it. (It's really only rivaled by this in my mind)

Adder's parents are, understandably, surprised to see a nice and normal Adder. Gone are the eyeliner and ruby earring. Adder suggests going to the Jets game. His parents are happy.

But Stanley is not so happy. Adder gives him some blood for protection against vampires, and...most people know what's coming, even if you are blind and deaf I still maintain your guessing odds are pretty good. Yep, Stanley is a vampire.

He bites Adder and that's it. Fade to the unimportant Midnight Society as they talk about how "good" the story is. I would protest, but my keyboard has been abused enough already.

I declare this recap closed.

-acerbec